14/01/2012 by mike.

Employee Notice For Seniors
EMPLOYEE NOTICE
**********************
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, the Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early, mandatory retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the Government to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the Government deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependents & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the Government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The Government has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your MP, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)

PS - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, The Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.

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21/12/2011 by mike.

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2010-09-27, 1:43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives.
You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I’d like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn’t expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason… my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan .. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head … isn’t it?!

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you’d come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you’d done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, — on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go’s, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink “pimp mobile” that was parked at the curb …. after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what ’s going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA’s office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you … but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you’ve chosen to pursue in life..

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!
Thoughtfully yours, Semper Fi,
Alex

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18/11/2011 by mike.

A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: ‘Now Maria, why do you
Want a pay increase?’

Maria: ‘Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband said so.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you..’
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Wife: ‘Oh.’

Maria: ‘My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.’
Wife (really furious now): ‘Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Señora, the gardener did.’

SHE GOT THE RAISE

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03/11/2011 by mike.

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied,
‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting
for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you , I’m doing community service this week.’
The cop was happy and left the shop.

The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied,
‘I can not accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
The MP was very happy and left the shop..

The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens
of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON !

They are all full of SHIT !

If you don’t forward this you have no sense of humour. Nothing bad will happen,however, you must live with yourself knowing that laughter is not in your future. Now send it to everyone !

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28/10/2011 by mike.

An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting to St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St. Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable as St. Peter explains how Heaven works. Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams.
“Oh my God,” says the old lady, “now what’s happening”?
“Not to worry,” says St. Peter, “they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off down to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St. Peter, “you’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Yes, but I’ve already got the holes for that.”

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07/10/2011 by mike.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a Policeman writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on now, how about giving a senior citizen a break?’
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an arsehole . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Bev called him a shit head. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

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21/09/2011 by mike.

A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were
both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the
same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the
upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman
saying,………. ‘Ma’am,

I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I’m awfully cold.’

‘I have a better idea,’ she replied ‘Just for tonight,…… let’s
pretend that we’re married.’

‘Wow!…………………. That’s a great idea!’, he exclaimed.

‘Good,’ she replied. …………..’Get your own f*ing blanket.’

After a moment of silence, ………………….he farted.

The End

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25/08/2011 by mike.

A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer. There were some interesting responses, but the last one is especially touching.

‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
–Tim, 7 years old

‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
–Melanie, 7 years old

‘My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
–Grady, 7 years old

”My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
–Toby, 7 years old

‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
–Sarah, 7 years old

‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
–Lily, 7 years old

‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
–Ethan, 7 years old

‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
–Shirley, 7 years old

AND THE BEST RESPONSE

‘My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’

–Jack, 7 years

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19/08/2011 by mike.

THESE ARE SO POLITICALLY INCORRECT - THAT I WORRY ABOUT POSTING THEM!! I BLAME MY SOURCES AND DO NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEM!

I’ve just watched the Simpsons and realised it’s a load of bollocks.
Who would put a load of funny yellow people in charge of running a nuclear power station?

Now he’s dead, they’re making a film of Eddie Stobart’s life story.
I’ve just seen the trailer.

Now Eddie Stobart’s dead they’ve found out that he was HGV positive.

Paddy bursts into the Benefits office. I’ve been ringing 08001730 for two bloody days. Why don’t you answer the bloody phone?
Girl replies, those are our opening times you daft bugger.

Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I
said “Wave” they legged it!

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17/08/2011 by mike.

Couldn’t have expressed it better if I tried!

People born before 1946 were called The Silent generation ..

- People born between 1946 and 1964 are called The Baby Boomers.

- People born between 1965 and 1979 are Generation X , .

- And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called Generation Y ,

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I grow up?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?
Y should I care what old folks think?

But a cartoonist explains it very eloquently in the picture below…

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